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It’s been a while since I’ve updated my blog. Thanks to friends and readers of Spotlight for asking how we’re settling in down south.
I can report my husband is doing well in his job and our children love their new schools, house and neighborhood.
A curious thing happened as I finally unpacked the last box in the new house we bought late spring. An intense homesickness set in not for the UK as you may have thought – many of you know how much I miss my family across the pond. I’ve been nostalgic about summer in the Capital District. It’s my favorite time of year with concerts at SPAC, day trips to the Berkshires and hanging out with friends in back yards after a long winter and, sometimes, unseasonably cold spring.
Having moved twice in less than a year, I begin to question where is home. Is it the UK where my parents, in-laws, siblings and extended family live or is it in Guilderland where for eight years I was connected to an incredibly supportive group of women who became my “family”?
Recently, my cell phone died and I had to get a new phone with a TN area code and I must admit feeling pangs of sadness to get rid of my 518 area code. Now when I dial a friend’s number I forget to insert 518 and get an ear-splitting recorded message. I have to add the area code to my speed dial or upset some unsuspecting TN native who is the object of a wrong call!
The worst thing about moving to a new place is that you have to start over again. Having spent the past year focused on practical things like finding schools and pediatricians for my children, finding a house to buy and even finding a decent hairdresser, it’s time to make some connections and friends. And that’s the tricky part in the south if you don’t belong to any church because much of the social life here is tied up with church community.
I must admit, too that I’m more selective about friends. As I get older, I believe more in quality rather than quantity. I don’t want a vast group of nodding acquaintances. Instead, I choose to have a small group of women (and men) who are on my wavelength and with whom I can be myself and have an honest and open discussion.
When you break into new circles, you’ll probably face groups that are well established and seem “cliquey”. That’s OK as you have to accept some people are happy with their circle and don’t need new friends. From my experience, it’s better to move on and find others who’ll be inclusive and with whom you’ll feel comfortable. Making friends takes time and is an emotional roller coaster ride as I can confirm.
Now we’re in our new house, I feel invigorated to have some dinner parties. There’s something fundamental about having dinner with friends – well, there’s nothing more basic than eating and talking.
I’m standing up for one-on-one conversation and, moreover, conversation over dinner. It’s my counter to an irritating comment I received in response to a chatty email I sent to a friend I hadn’t spoken to for a while. Here I summarize her words, which basically amounted to she had no time in her busy schedule to email me personally, but please check out her Facebook page. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not against social networking or technology – I love to tweet – but I got really steamed up about this comment!
I was inspired by this article by Kari Henley on reviving the dinner party: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kari-henley/reviving-the-dinner-party_b_259415.html
Her comments are spot on; it is a drama to make plans for dinner at one’s house. Really, I can’t believe it takes several planners, emails, phone calls, Facebook entries and tweets to get people over for a burger. I’m not talking about a five course cordon bleu meal, but simple burgers and salad.
From my observations, people are reluctant to have dinner parties because they’re too tired, don’t want to cook or can’t cook, don’t want to clean or have young children or children period.
When did coming round to see friends mean cleaning? Are we so judgmental of others and are we so neurotic about how our house is perceived? I simply don’t care if you have a dust bunny or two in your hidden corners or you have piles of magazines or laundry stacked up.
I called on a woman I met in the neighborhood unexpectedly. As soon as I stepped into her house she immediately rushed upstairs to change while I was downstairs feeling awkward. When she did appear, she started tidying her house in earnest despite my protestations not to lift a finger. Her house already seemed clean and tidy to me.
Was that my big faux pas to call round without a formal invitation? Certainly, this makes me think twice about calling on someone spontaneously for fear I’ll send the person into an uncomfortable cleaning tizzy! I went round to her house for human contact not to judge her dust bunnies and award her points for her cleaning efforts!
For many, the words “dinner party” drives a wedge of fear into them as if they think their guests are expecting a posh sit down meal cooked from scratch. Real friends don’t care if dinner is pizza or shop bought food; a bowl of chips and dip poured with love and generosity will be the best tasting food. Of course, if you choose to cook, your friends will love you for it and appreciate your efforts.
I remember growing up the best dinners with friends and family were the ones with us making noise. My parents believed that children had to be familiar from an early age with how to behave in social situations. We were included in dinner parties and learned how to appreciate the fine art of ritualized eating and the etiquette of having guests round. Children can be included at dinner and shouldn’t be seen as impediments. Of course, if you want to have an all adult affair then a good baby sitter is worth their weight!
The “too tired” excuse is overused, believe me. I’m constantly exhausted, but once I get into the spirit of the event it becomes infectious. For me, the effort is worth it for the great evening of conversation and friendship ahead.
I honestly think if we don’t keep the traditions of sitting down to dinner with friends alive, it will be something we read about in history books about social manners of the day.
SUSAN S. CHEUNG
Susan is a freelance writer originally from London, England. She moved to Brentwood, Tenn. in July 2008 when her husband accepted a position at Vanderbilt University Medical Center. The family relocated after eight years in Guilderland, New York. And now they have a new home in Franklin, Tenn.
